Bean scouts, I have a tale for you. Be warned, this is not for the weak of stomach. PARENTAL ADVISORY!
Your stomach rumbles. You are sitting in the back seat of a ’96 Previa minivan, bouncing up a gravel road, potholes barely avoided by your overenthusiastic driver.
“We should have gotten McDonalds,” you grumble.
The driver, Stevie, throws a bag of candy back towards you. His lack of focus on the road leads him straight into a deep pothole.
SCHREESH!
You hear the car bottom out. Stevie hits the breaks. Everyone flies forward and now hot blood is running down your face.
“God damnit, we should just go home! This is crazy!” Your voice, full of shock, has a mind of its own and is revealing your inner fear of what awaits you at the top of the hill.
Cindy, sitting next to you now, is searching for a tissue. She applies it to your nose, lots of pressure. You grab the tissue and turn, blocking her from your nose.
“Dude,” Stevie says coolly, “Calm the fuck down. This is going to be, like, fucking great.”
He starts the van back up and continues up the hill. You look out the window sulking. Cindy tries to cheer you up.
“Come on, there is nothing to be scared of,” she says, smiling.
You play it cool, “Yeah, I know. Low blood sugar.”
The van continues up the road, but since bottoming out it now grumbles and whines occasionally, breaking up the silence.
The fog dies away as you reach the top of the hill, and through the trees you get glimpses of your home for the night. An old derelict castle, built by an eccentric timber baron in the 19th century, forgotten until Stevie ran into while mushroom hunting in these woods. He quickly spread the word through his inner circle of friends, and had the bright idea of getting a group together to spend Halloween night in this abandoned fortress.
The car dies at the gate.
“Fuck!” Stevie starts pounding on the steering wheel. You can see he is getting manic, he really wanted this spooky evening to go smoothly.
“Jeeze man, chill out,” says Carter, “We have cell phones, we can call my brother in the morning.”
Everyone gets out of the van. You drop the bloody tissue on the ground and inspect your face in the passenger side mirror. You quickly pick the coagulated blood out from under your nose and look back up. Everyone has gotten ahead of you. They are examining the old castle with flashlights. It is smaller than you thought it would be, only two stories, with four tower battlements, one on each corner. The exterior is in surprisingly good shape, the old granite slabs are barely pitted, even after all of these years.
“This barely counts as a castle,” you mutter under your breath. You jog to catch up.
Cindy opens the door slowly.
“GGAAAAHHHHHH!” her scream stops your heart, and the world slows down. You start to fall, your knees have given out. Then you see her turn around, a smile on her face.
She giggles and then enters the old building. Stevie looks down at you and shakes his head.
“Man, you are really letting me down tonight,” he says. You feel sheepish.
You follow everyone into the castle, and look around. You are in the great room. The floor boards are burnt in places and rotted in others, and two spiral staircases lead to a gallery upstairs. The room is unfurnished and musty. Everyone has split up, exploring the castle on their own, and you walk into the kitchen area. On a lark, you open one of the cupboards, and sitting in front of you is an old bag of dried beans. They are dusty and a dull red color. Carter comes in.
“Beans never go bad right?” you ask, continuing to look at the bag.
He walks over to you and sees the bag.
“Dude!” he exclaims, “Haha, you got hella balls man, you are crazy! Hey Stevie!”
He runs out of the kitchen, looking for Stevie.
He returns with Stevie. “Check this out man, your cousin is going to eat these beans!”
You see this as a chance to get back some of your cred. You nod your head. Stevie looks at you.
“Dude, are you going to eat them raw or something? You got to cook them first, and there is no way you can cook beans that old. I read it on a bean blog.”
“I will find a way!” you say. Eating these beans is now your obsession, and you look around for something to cook them on. The stove doesn’t work, but the tap does. You find an old pot. Now you just have to make a fire.
“Hang on, I will be right back!” you yell, and leave the kitchen, looking for something to burn. Stevie looks at you in disbelief and Carter is grinning.
You run up the flight of stairs and explore the rooms until you come across the library. Cindy is in there, leafing through a musty book. She sees the manic look on your face.
You start making a stack of books, ripping out any dry pages you can find.
“Making a fire?” she asks.
“Hehe, yes, and then I am going to make some beans!”
She hands you the book she was reading. “You might want this then.”
You look at the title.
THE NECROBEANICON
“There is a recipe in there for bringing old beans back to life,” she whispers.
You open the book and find the incantation. You whisper it and a chill runs down your spine. You hear screams coming from down below. You and Cindy look at each other. You both know something has gone horribly wrong. Then together, you run down the stairs.
In the kitchen you see Carter. His face is contorted into a scream, and his belly is missing. The room is covered with bits of blood and flesh. You feel nauseous and dizzy, and fall to the ground.
When you wake up you vomit, look up. Carter is still there, but no one is in the room with you. You crawl away, into the great room, and try to stand up. You look around and then you see them. Those red beans from earlier, glowing, floating, dripping. You gasp and they fly down your open throat. You stand up and stick your finger down your throat, desperately flicking. You feel gassy, and let out a low diabolical fart. Your mid section has filled up with gas, produced as your belly desperately tries to digest these old, undercooked beans. You swell like a watermelon and then you burst.
Moral: Don’t try and revive century old beans.